I'm not sure about this whole blogging thing. I was flipping through some other blogs and now I have this unbelievably empty feeling, like I want so much to be loved that I can't let my self feel anything at all. It's that familiar repression; I admit that I can't handle emotions, so I set out to stop feeling them. I pretend that I hate things that I can't have but it's not the things themselves that I hate but the sadness I feel from wanting them so much. And that makes me hate myself, for being so weak.
I thought for a long time that there was Nothing at my core, but maybe I just want there to be nothing, so I push everything away, and let my self float in the cavity I've created, and call that peace. Maybe Mike's right; maybe I am broken.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
This reminds me of 6th Grade
See, in sixth grade I had a sort of blogging account. It was really terrible; I tried so hard to be funny and interesting, but in the end I was just a sixth grader talking about herself. And that's pretty much what this is like, except a little worse, because in the last 5 years I still haven't learned how uninteresting I am. Even now, now, very now, I find myself in the exact same place, talking about the exact same thing, trying, in the exact same way, to convince you that I am worth your time. So, here goes...
Lately I've been fantasizing pretty much constantly about the summer. I have all these plans to just drive around and set up camp in state parks or fields, and spend all my time in the grass or the mud. I'm so tired of having a schedule; whenever I think about the blocks of time for a class, or the hour I have to spend in math before lunch, I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. And this week off from school isn't helping, it's just a tease, a drop of freedom before I have to go back to the dehumanizing, standardized monotony of high school. I think I hate school so much this year because my favorite class, that class that's supposed to make me think and allow me to express my self is the worst, most test oriented class with the most uninterested teacher who only cares about our scores on the AP test, rather than our ability to understand and analyze historical events. I am, of course talking about Mr. Jourdain's APUSH class. I really can't even express how strongly I feel about that class.
Hahahahaha, anyways, I live in a house full of bipolar, self medicating freaks who need to use the computer. So...ya
Lately I've been fantasizing pretty much constantly about the summer. I have all these plans to just drive around and set up camp in state parks or fields, and spend all my time in the grass or the mud. I'm so tired of having a schedule; whenever I think about the blocks of time for a class, or the hour I have to spend in math before lunch, I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. And this week off from school isn't helping, it's just a tease, a drop of freedom before I have to go back to the dehumanizing, standardized monotony of high school. I think I hate school so much this year because my favorite class, that class that's supposed to make me think and allow me to express my self is the worst, most test oriented class with the most uninterested teacher who only cares about our scores on the AP test, rather than our ability to understand and analyze historical events. I am, of course talking about Mr. Jourdain's APUSH class. I really can't even express how strongly I feel about that class.
Hahahahaha, anyways, I live in a house full of bipolar, self medicating freaks who need to use the computer. So...ya
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
